Well, my dear, dear blogosphere, I am coming here to you because this is more than likely a safe place that no one will ever come. No one will ever read this post unless I die, then maybe I will leave some instructions for my kids to read this. Hopefully this is all some crazy kind of false alarm that has me four inches away from having a nervous breakdown. I am trying to deal with what I am feeling on my own instead of saying something just in case nothing is really wrong. And honestly I am really hoping that in fact nothing really is wrong.
So just in case someone comes along and finds this, I suppose that I should explain. I have blood in my urine, I don’t have any real pain, not like I should if I have a kidney stone anyway. I have a little soreness, no biggy. I went to the doctor expecting her to tell me that I had some really big UT infection and take some antibiotics and then go about my life the way I should, knowing that here is nothing wrong with me. However, the initial tests did not yield any infection. The doctor gave me medication for my blood pressure and told me that could possibly be causing the blood in my urine.
She told me that I needed to come back in thirty days to get rechecked for blood in my urine. She said that if there is any, I will need to see a urologist because it could be cancer. NICE! Right? So she sent me home with that thought and the fact that I have no insurance and can’t begin to think how I would pay for a specialist. She called me back a couple of hours later and told me that when they “spun down” my urine they found white cells. Which of course white cells could mean that they are there because they already fought and killed the infection, or I remember some movie where the white cells was an indicator of some kind of cancer that the main character had. I don’t remember the movie at all except for that. So my mind started running 300 miles an hour with “what ifs?”. The doctor gave me a prescription for antibiotics at that point. I finished my prescription, and I still have blood in my urine.
I think that the fact that I am always tired makes me a little more nervous than it probably should. But I just feel wiped out and can’t ever seem to feel rested no matter what I do. I just want to lay down, and sleep all day, and all night, and all day again.
So I am tripping a little. I have decided that I need to work on coming to terms with whatever may possibly lie ahead. I don’t want it to be a shock and I don’t want to be caught unprepared. So I am very quietly dealing with the fact that I might not be here long. I’m not trying to think the worst and be all doom and gloom, but at the same time I need to make sure that everything will be okay and that I will be able to handle whatever comes my way. Even if it means that everything is okay. I need to feel okay about things. I am trying to take every moment and savor the tiniest little happy moments.
You see there is a little bit more that I haven’t mentioned yet here. When I had my last pap test I told my doctor that I have some pain with sex and while I would love to write it off as menopause, I just really don’t know. You see my dear friend Amanda, who was much younger than I died nearly four years ago from cancer. She was having pain in those areas and she finally decided to go to the emergency room for the pain (she also had no insurance either). She posted on facebook that she was at the hospital because she was just tired of the pain. She was diagnosed with cancer that night and died four days later. So yeah, I’m a little worried. I hope that everything is okay, and I’ll be just fine, but the truth is that I just don’t know and I wish that I knew. And I wish that I had a way to pay for whatever treatments could be potentially warranted for whatever type of condition that I could possibly have or not.
So for now I am going to try and live my life the best possible way that I can and try to be more charitable, and go out of my way to be more kind to people, I have a facebook community page with more than 200,000 likes on it I am going to try and post as much positive stuff as possible, I am going to try and make a random person’s day every chance I get, to give my kids a lot more hugs, and spend more quality time with them, you know, just in case. Because even if I’m totally fine, it doesn’t mean that a random accident might not happen or something.
Do good things! Be good to people! Love the people around you! Love yourself!!!